I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
