Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
