i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize