I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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