Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
