Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize