High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
