Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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