all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
