Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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