Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
