DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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