The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
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