i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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