Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
