He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
