If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
