I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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