so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
