my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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