I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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