So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
