I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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