I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize