Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
