I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
