dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize