she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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