I like my sex mixed with concussions.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
