i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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