I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
