I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Princesses don't give blow jobs
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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