Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
