I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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