I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
