So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
