I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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