Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
