I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
zippers are such a cool invention
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
