There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
