She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
