Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
