You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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