I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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