I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
What drink are we having for lunch?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
