Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Randomize
