420 ftw
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
