she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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