I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
