morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
