Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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