Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
foreskin is a definite game changer
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
