Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
