Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
