So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
