i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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