Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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