Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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