this beer tastes like vomit already
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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