Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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