So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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