she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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