Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
