Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
