White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
