LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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