im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Randomize
