cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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