I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We smell like vodka and hangover
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