The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My balls are so social today.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
