Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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