If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
